Why Women Don’t Report Domestic Abuse: Expert Shares Insights On Fear And Failure

On the surface, many modern Indian women portray a perfect life: one with a loving husband, a well-furnished home, and a career they worked hard to build. But are their lives as beautiful as they would like others to believe? Domestic abuse is still an appalling reality for many women in our country. It not only tears apart the confidence and self-identity of a woman, but also emotionally damages the kids involved. We decided to dive deep into the statistics of domestic violence in India to understand where ‘Aaj Ki Naari’ stands when it comes to taking a stand for herself. 

A Look At  Statistics 

In India, cultural expectations often become a major hindrance when it comes to reporting abuse. From the fear of facing backlash from society to the idea of illusional love, and many other reasons, women choose not to move out of a toxic marriage. As per the National Family Health Survey (NFHS), 2019-2021, nearly 30 per cent of married Indian women aged between 18-49 have faced domestic/sexual violence at some point in their lives. Every now and then, we read harrowing domestic violence cases that should serve as an eye-opener for society, but sadly it barely invoke any response. To give a close insight into the situation, as per the National Commission For Women, the highest cases of domestic violence were reported during the pandemic, reflecting how women have to face the wrath of men’s frustration. 

This is just the data from the cases which have been reported, but so many women never report the abuse. Even though the times are changing and women are leaders, setting examples in every sphere of life, why don't they speak about the atrocities they face behind closed doors? 

Despite being self-empowered, what holds women back from moving out of a toxic marriage? To understand the complex reasons, we decided to speak to a psychologist. We got in touch with Psychologist and Happiness coach Sakshi Mandhyan and she highlighted a few important points.

(Image Courtesy: Canva)

Expert Insights On Fear And Trauma

She said, “It’s easy for an outsider to look at the victim and wonder why she is not voicing it out and taking a step to end the relationship. However, the reality for the victim is not that black or white. There is a complex interplay of years of conditioning, beliefs, thoughts, and emotions. It gets scary and overwhelming for the woman to break free from the web of the culturally acquired ideology of the relationship. It gets challenging for them to think clearly and root themselves in self-prioritisation.”

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She highlighted a few reasons why women do not break free from a relationship that is suffocating. 

• Acquired beliefs for relationships from society

• No understanding of healthy boundaries

• Unresolved past baggage 

• Children involved in marriage 

• Emotional Dysregulation and Psychological conditions of trauma

• The belief system to fix the broken

Women are constantly fed with the idea of being a “good woman” and to be a good woman one has to “adjust”. They are encouraged to stay patient and compromise with the men who barely respect them. There are psychological conditions like trauma bonding and learned helplessness, which make it even more difficult for women to leave an abusive relationship. 

The  passive-aggressive behaviour of the partner 

Sakshi further explains how the unpredictable behaviour of a partner can impact a woman’s decision to speak up. She said, “With the constant chaos of unpredictable emotions (positive and negative) from the partner, it gets difficult for the woman to draw the line and evaluate the situation neutrally. She feels helpless in assessing whether she should believe the positive actions of her partner or take a stand basis his negative behaviour. She feels mixed emotions of love, anger and sympathy for the partner at the same time yielding to the cycle of trauma bond.”

This puts a lot of women in a ‘freeze zone’ where they neither make a decision nor voice out their concerns. They choose unknowingly to live in autopilot mode until they have had enough and break down. 

Image courtesy: (Canva)

Breaking the Silence: Hope and Change

Healing from the emotional damage is even more difficult than speaking out about the abuse. Women take a lot of time to heal from the abuse and to trust someone else. Sakshi explained that healing is a journey that involves an individual process. It completely varies from one personality to another to determine the time they will take to work on their scars and damage. 

To witness change, society needs to support the well-being of women and let them not fear the tag of failed marriage. Many empowered women continue to suffer because they do not want to hear, ‘Yeh adjust hi nhi kar paayi’ (She was not able to adjust). There is a need to redefine the narrative of love. We need to constantly feed women with the idea that love doesn't hurt and that leaving a toxic relationship is not a failure, but it is an act of self-respect and courage. 

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